Wednesday, 26 November 2014

It Sucks Being a Grown-up



Do you ever have those moments when you want to be able to throw a tantrum and have everyone just leave you alone, or maybe someone just gently distract you with something nice to help you get over it?

That is how I was feeling last week as I put pen to paper to write to my niece - I really didn't want to do it. However taking a big reality check, I knew that if I didn't apologise for getting so angry towards her then I was not really acting like the adult I would like her to grow up to be.

That got me thinking.   As adults/parents we take on the role of teaching the younger generation by how we act/behave, whether we are aware of it or not.  This means we are modelling our good AND our bad behaviour.

If I had made no attempt to get back in touch with my niece, what would have happened.  I may have had one person less making demands on my time and emotions, however it would have been at a cost.  That cost being, not taking the opportunity to model how to 'make up' when things go wrong.

Could I have lived with myself knowing that not only had I been a part in breaking our relationship, but that I had also denied showing her how to make amends in tough situations as well?

Well I'm pleased to say that it has worked okay - so far.  We are communicating again, I am withdrawing a little from the hands on 'caring' stuff.  I shall be visiting less, not looking after her money or doing her shopping, hopefully this means I will not get so worn out.  Sadly it seems her behaviour has gone back to square one again and there is no longer any talk about her being discharged by the time she is 18, instead a transfer to adult in patient services seems likely after she turns 18.  This makes me very sad, but at least I know that I am not going to feel responsible for any failure an earlier discharge may have caused.

Back to the subject of apologies and owning up to mistakes, this whole debacle has made me much more aware of how important it is with my children (and others around me) to make sure I speak up.  If we keep quiet about the mistakes we make how are our children going to ever learn that making mistakes happens.  What has to be the most important thing is that we try and model to them how to deal with mistakes - even if it sucks!

I continue to count my blessings:

980. Communication restored.

981.  Prayers whispered with friends.

982.  Puppy dog keeping my legs warm as she sleeps.

983.  Piles of fabric.

984.  Sorting out advent calenders.

985.  Counting swimming lengths.

986.  No piles of leaves in the back garden.

987.  Chilly evenings.

988.  Browsing books in the library while girls shop.

989.  Making Christmas puddings.

Many Blessings to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Monday, 17 November 2014

Self Awareness.



There is one problem with becoming more self-aware - it makes it very hard to hang on to your negative behaviour!

You may have seen my last rant of a post and if so you will be pleased to know that my anger and frustration is calming down.

You see, I am aware it is MY anger and frustration.  And what I am learning is........sometimes it is better to just get it out there.  Blow what anyone else might think about it!  I have watched people I love sit on their feelings, refusing to acknowledge them and seen those same people completely self-destruct.

However, when you have spent most of your life relying on the affirmation of others, being real is exceptionally hard.

Trying to explain how I feel when I am still trying to work it out myself is also very very hard.  It takes me some time and an awful lot of thought and energy.

Does it really matter? Would it not be better to learn to just not let STUFF bother me in the first place, to just let it go..........  Or would that just lead me into a shallowness, where I was not really able to connect with others around me?  I suppose I am really hoping that by becoming more self-aware 'stuff' will not bother me in quite the same way as it does with all these hang ups, hanging around.

I have still not quite worked out how to try and mend the broken relationship with my niece - I think I am going to be letter writing.  Things will also have to change a little in our relationship, I was obviously giving far to much of myself for it to blow as it did.  She will soon be turning 18 and will need to rely on me less if she is to have any hope of getting any sort of independence.

Gah! life can be so scary................ what would I do without my faith.  Taking on the responsibilities of the world would most definitely be enough to squash me completely!

So as I go into this new week, I shall keep forgiving those that have upset me (I never seem to be able to do anything just once) and I shall keep giving thanks for the bounty of gifts that I have been given ......

970. Unexpected kind words from a friend.

971. Putting fabric through my sewing machine.

972. Blowing bubbles with each breath as I swim.

973. Watching my dog watching the world go by from the window.

974. Conversations with my daughter in the car.

975. The cup of tea made by my son.

976. Using up the meal, that was frozen from left overs.

977. Green foods, boosting my iron intake.

978. The smell of real fires in the outside air.

979. A hug from a new very little friend.

May your week be full of acknowledged blessings xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Where has my compassion gone?


Have you seen it? 

I must have put it down and now I can't find it anywhere?

I hate the term compassion fatigue!  I'm not tired of being compassionate, I've just lost the ability to have it!

For the last 18 months since my mum died I have been faithfully 'caring' for my niece while she is in an adolescent secure psychiatric unit.  This has involved a fortnightly 210 mile round trip to visit her, almost daily phone calls, regularly shopping and managing her finances.

To be honest in my heart I have been 'caring' for her for the last 14 1/2 years, that is when my sister asked me to take care of her if anything should happen to her or my parents.  Well that something happened and in the last 6 years I've lost the three of them!

My compassion has wondered off in the past.  Over the two years that my niece lived with us I finally snapped, compassion was lost and the following 2 years were spent searching for that compassion, tempting it to come back.

But right now, this minute, I don't think I even want it to come back.  I'm sick of caring.  I want to see progress.  I want to know that this caring can end, that I am not going to be 'needed' like this forever.

And of course the effect of this loss is her ANGER, she is cutting me off.  All the work on our relationship feels lost too.

I COULD summon up the energy to write a letter, to apologise for the things that I have said, but am I really sorry - would that be honest of me?

I really do not know what to do next.  I am trying to do what 'professionals' would advise, I'm exercising, trying to eat okay, not drinking too much.  I really cannot blame this 'loss' on stress, I'm the most stress free I have been in years!!!!!!

So I will do the only thing I know I can do at the moment and continue to count my blessings, the simple gifts that God gives me in abundance that I just need to stop, see and receive.........

960. Leaves blowing in the wind.

961. A baby sleeping on my chest.

962. Watching healthy knees going up and down stairs.

963. The aeroplane bringing my loved one home.

964. The sound of my son cooking.

965. Open windows in November.

966. My swimsuit drying, ready to get wet again.

967. The sounds in the street of life existing.

968. My pot of crochet hooks.

969. Friends dropping round to say hello.

May your days be filled with blessings too xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Tuesday, 4 November 2014

One thousand Gifts - Ann Voskamp

I have spent the last 30 minutes going back in my blog trying to discover when I first found out about Ann Voskamp and the commitment she was making and daring to others, counting the gifts that God gives us in the everyday moments of life.  It was way back in January 2010! You can see that very first post of mine here

I did discover that by taking on this attitude of gratitude I did start to change.  I did notice that my prayers were less full of 'wants' and more full of 'thanks' and my joy as a result was definitely increasing.  

For three years I stuck at the counting, however the last time I wrote any blessings down in was back in February 2013, I had got to number 949 - this was written just a few days before my mother took her own life.

So why am I talking about it again - well to be honest it has never been out of my mind.  The teaching that Ann was discovering and sharing had shifted something in me.  I no longer read many blogs (You can read Ann's here)  and so have not been keeping up with where she is now, but I do no that her book is a New York Times best seller.  What really started to draw me back was when I took on the role of looking for new resources for the women's group at our church which I help to lead.  That is when I saw the book and thought - NOW was the time to get this, especially as I noticed she had done a DVD as well (our group particularly likes a bit of DVD as well as discussion).  I ended up finding quite a few resources, enough to fill the whole year!

When I met with my fellow group leaders we decided that this particular book/DVD would be a good one for our quiet away day which we usually do in November.  Now you see why this has brought everything back into my mind!  Our away day is this Saturday and I am so enjoying finally getting round to reading the book, the study guide and watching the DVD.  I am doing a section about how our hearts get closed to gratitude - quite apt considering when I stopped!  I'm also doing some craft which I am so so excited about. 

I am even more excited that we are only covering the first DVD session on our away day which means we get to do the next 4 sessions on the Fridays to December.

So I shall stop blathering on now and do a little more counting!

950. Reawakening my attitude to gratitude.

951. Soft tumble dried towels.

952. Golden leaves still on the trees.

953. Summer blooms still out in the garden.

954. Washing still drying on the clothes line.

955. Chocolate cake in the cupboard.

956. Watching an ever changing sky scape as I swim.

957. Another finished home made Christmas present.

958. Children loading and unloading the dishwasher.

959. A dog to cuddle up to when my hubby is away.

And here are a few photo's of my garden (still in bloom in November) - something I am so very grateful for.........

















 Blessings to you xxxxxx

Thursday, 16 October 2014

A Bit of Reflection

Mirror lakes, near Milford Sound, South Island, New Zealand, taken April 2014 

A thought struck me today (amazing I know!), this time 6 years ago I was living blissfully unaware of the snowball effect of family illness and deaths I was about to have to embrace.  There are times when I am so thankful that I cannot see into the future.

So where was I, 6 years ago.  I was reasonably well, had recently gone back to work (part-time) after a 7 year child rearing break from paid employment.  I was recovering from an unpleasant period of time when our relationship with our previous church had gone sour.  I had started this blog and was spending a lot of time trying to work out who I was and where I fit into life's big scheme.

And where am I now?  I am physically much weaker, I am no longer able to work.  In many ways I feel mentally/emotionally much weaker too.  However I do not see this as a bad thing.  In fact I can look back at that person I was trying to find 6 years ago and feel quite content that I may just have found the person that God made me to be.

This verse from the Bible just about sums it all up, it is written by Paul as he wrote to the Church in Corinth.

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Six years ago I was still manoeuvring my way through life with the driver, 'Be Strong' that had been instilled in me from being a child.  What I have learnt is that by saying NO, to this driver, by admitting my weakness, I have been able to accept help that I would have previously refused and definitely not welcomed. That is help from God and help from those around me as well.

I am part of a ladies group within our current church that meets each week to do a bible study.  We have been going through a book and dvd that I found on the internet called, Let It Go, by Karen Ehman.  I do apologise if you now have the Frozen tune going around in your head - it really is nothing to do with that song!  What caught my attention was the first chapter, it is entitled, God Called He'd Like His Job Back.  I could so relate to this!  The problem with my, 'Be Strong', driver was that it doesn't leave any room for God!  All your energy focuses on yourself, and I'm sure this is not only to the detriment of my relationship with God but with those around me to!

Over the last six years I have also seen my marriage become stronger.  This seems to have come about by the letting go a little of strong friendships with others.  Don't get me wrong, friendships are very important to me but it has taken this last six years for me to appreciate that they are definitely second to my relationship with my husband.

I do not have life sorted, I am sure there are still plenty more storms for me to weather in the next six years.  I am very pleased that I do not know what is around the corner and I am very thankful for what I have right here, right now.

Blessings,  Jane x.

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Consumerism Gone Mad?

I went on my fortnightly visit to see my niece in Northampton last Saturday, the first time I have been on a weekend.  It's a 5 hour round trip but I took my daughter to see her and we had a really good visit.  On the way home I thought it would be nice to pop to a shopping outlet that I knew existed just 5 minutes off this route that I have been doing for over a year now.  I knew it was a designer outlet village, you can visit it's site here, so  would not be the normal run of the mill high street shops.  This didn't bother me at all, I knew the price tags would be high and the chances of finding a dress for my daughter small. 

I have always loved well designed fashion.  For years when I was in my late teens I subscribed to Vogue magazine and often made myself clothes using Vogue designer patterns.  In fact this was my very favourite:


There is something about good quality fabric and unique designs!  I would always much rather have one really lovely item of clothing than lots of cheap stuff.  Making my own things also means that I have a great appreciation for the costing of some designer stuff.  The other thing that appealed about going to this outlet village was that they seem to be commending British fashion - what could there possibly be not to like about this place.......

THE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never been anywhere in all my travels around the world where the volume of people was so great and so single minded!  I walk with a stick which usually means people take a bit of care not to bump into me.  Here however no one was interested in looking at the people around them - they all seemed to be completely fixated on getting into the shops and to the STUFF.

I can only imagine that they must have a problem with shop lifting as there were bouncers on the doors to all the shops.  I caught the eye of a few of them, smiling as I walked past and their eyes just rolled.  The ones I spoke to were so polite but seemed so surprised that I spoke to them!

I have also decided that I have solved the problem of why so many clothing companies make clothes mainly for small sized people - it's because large people insist on wearing small sized clothes!  Here was I in my Marks and Spencers T-shirt and jeans, whilst around me in the crush were folks completely inappropriately dressed for a shopping trip!

We only went into a couple of shops, that is all either of us could face, in those the music was so loud and the crowds so crushing we only lasted a couple of minutes.

When I look back at the visit I did a few months a go where I went to a National Trust Property ( you can read about that here) the two trips can not be compared.  I arrived home from this one with an absolutely stinking headache which turned into a migraine, so I was in bed by 7pm.

On reflection it was not the place that I didn't like, it really was just the blatant consumerism of the crowds of people.  Maybe next time I go (I really would so like to look at all the designer stuff), it needs to be mid week and first thing in the morning, if there ever is another time!

Monday, 15 September 2014

Holiday On My Own - Part Two - What I did and learnt about myself.

I put lots of pictures up in my last blog showing where I went on my first solo holiday.  So what did I do with myself for 5 whole days by myself......





I dipped in and out the pool from morning till evening!













I did lots and lots of reading.

I did a fair amount of knitting, this was however abruptly ended on the third day by me dropping a knitting needle on the decking and watching it disappear between the gap!

There was a little bit of sketching
I did take my watercolours with me, however inspiration to pick those up did not strike.

I also had a few short walks around the grounds and in the village, though this had to be done first thing in the morning before it got too hot!

My husband had  lent me his MP3 player, so especially while I was knitting, I was also listening to music.  The music for this holiday was
  1. Hounds of Love by Kate Bush
  2. Song from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears
  3. A selection of Robert Palmer tracks.

And that was about it, though I did also learn some more about myself.

  • I find it very hard to stop planning out my days!  I wrote a little about my health recently here.  This post explains a lot about why I have to plan out my days when I am in the throws of family life.  What I hadn't realised was how hard it it to shake off the habit when I don't need to be considering anyone else's needs of me during the day.  It wasn't until day three that I clocked that I was still doing this.  I was sat by the pool and going over and over in my head  what my plan for the day was going to be, fitting in swimming and eating when I suddenly  realised that I didn't HAVE to do either of those things if I didn't want to!  More importantly I certainly did not need to plan for them.  It was such fun to find myself making the decision to do what I felt like from one moment to the next, rather than having it planned.  So meals happened when I was hungry, which was not much as I was doing so little!  Swimming happened when I felt like it.  I showered and went to bed when I was tired.  It was all so liberating.
  • When I stop talking with people I seem to also be able to quiet the voices in my head.  Over the 5 days I spoke only to be polite or to acknowledge the presence of others.  Once an older chap tried to get me to sit and chat over food, but I was able to politely decline his invitation and stay by myself.  I can only believe that this is the reason the internal voices in my head (except the organising ones as explained above) stopped too.  In fact the negative voices that seem to often abound within me appeared to go on holiday too!  Instead I was able to watch folks, creating stories in my head about them - this was lots of fun!  I also spent a lot of time being thankful for the moments.  Like the moment when I was lounging in the pool and it suddenly dawned on me that I was so happy with that moment.  If I never got to have that moment again, that would be fine, no one can take it away from me.
  • I love the liberation of being independent.  I guess because of my health and the needs of my family in my day to day routines I am always dependent on help.  This might be in the form of husband or friends doing lifts in the evening for my children to attend their out of school activities.  Relying on my husband and children to keep the house clean and doing the shopping and sometimes the cooking.  Relying on others to get things for me (particularly from upstairs at home!).  These might sound like small things but they are things that I just cannot do independently.  While away, a lot of things were taken care of for me.  The room was tidied and cleaned everyday.  Breakfast only involved a short walk to the restaurant. Meals only required me to request them!  I now have a slightly better understanding of when my children used to get mad at me when they were little because they wanted to do stuff  'by myself'!
  • The internet is fabulous.  Being able to have short written conversations with my family every day meant I never felt lonely.  I knew that I could skype or chat properly if necessary but just having wifi meant that I was fully in control of when I conversed.  

I have returned home with a great feeling of accomplishment as well as feeling very relaxed and ready to do 'normal' life again.  If I get the chance to do this again I will jump at it.  If I don't, then I shall know that I did it and loved it and will always be very grateful for it.

Many Blessings to you x.